So, actually, I'm not mindlessly supportive of parents. I'm supportive of the parental role in caregiving. I'm supportive of parents doing the best they can, and of throwing off the myths and lack of treatment access that have characterized parents of mentally ill patients.
I disagree with the mother who recently recommended that parents "You Can't Save Your Child From Their Anorexia." I think the message of the piece -- that of self-care and acceptance -- are lost in the heartbreakingly damaging title and in the equally heartbreaking conclusion that "none of it seemed to help."
I'm also going to come right out and express my dismay at fellow parents for missing the point of what the mother is actually saying. Her goal was to support other parents. She's saying what we all know is true: that in that time and in that health system she truly was not given the tools and support to help her daughter.
We all know this was true, and still is, in most places. We need to criticize THAT, and make sure to get the urgent news to parents that we CAN AND MUST engage in treatment and that does not mean we will drown with our beloved children. I have compassion for this mother and the choice she was made to make. I'm sorry she is recommending it to others.
I'm also saying out loud that this is not about Family-Based Treatment/Maudsley. By making it about that, parent advocates unknowingly into a dynamic that serves parents poorly and FBT as well. Parents need to be involved in and supported during treatment in every setting, every treatment type, every stage of illness, every diagnosis. Don't let FBT be the reason or the reflexive solution. Don't let people who dismiss FBT throw out the message that parent involvement and food is medicine at the same time.
FBT is not and should not be the only situation where parents are empowered and involved.
I'm heartbroken by the folks who will point at that headline, and the sad experience of this parent, and use it to do terribly harmful things:
- Reinforce a belief that parents can not and should not help
- Reinvigorate the idea of "enmeshed parents"
- Make FBT into a zealot's cul de sac
- Allow despairing parents to think that they should back off and "save themselves" when their loved ones need them most
Here's what strikes me most in the debate over this article. ED loves it. ED adores it. ED could have written it.
Parents shouldn't have to back off to save themselves. We should be able to be part of the picture in a positive, supportive, and supported way. We should not drown with our kids because both our kids and ourselves get the help we need early and ongoing.
There are times when ED wins the day, or the year, or even a life. Parents don't need to drown no matter what the outcome. The same is true for cancer or for schizophrenia. There are other choices between letting go and drowning. We need to ALL work to help families not have to make either choice.